How are you, Teauna?
Well… I’m currently stuck in limbo between doubt and faith. Thank you for asking. I’m floating in the purgatory of endless cycles of trust and fear, but I’m great!
But seriously, being in transition between believing for a move of God and seeing the move of God can be extremely difficult. You’ve prayed all you can pray and prepared all you can prepare. Now, all that’s left is waiting.
And waiting is hard. It’s not that I’m impatient. I could wait for 5 years if I knew with total and complete surety that I was going to receive what I asked for. Waiting is hard because that’s when all the questions start to storm your mind. What if I didn’t hear God? What if I wanted this so bad that I manufactured an answer that was not God at all? What if God decides to wait until this moment to punish me for all my sins by not coming through for me?
I get asked often if I’m excited about starting dental school. I want to be and I’m starting to get excited, but those closest to me know that I am waiting on God. By God’s miraculous and gracious power I got into my dream school against all odds. I mean literally against all odds. Like you can check the stats in one my previous posts here.
Now, I am waiting to see if I get a scholarship that would cover all my tuition and living costs for the next four years! That’s right! I have a chance to go to dental school debt free. I am set to move to Baltimore in 4 days! School starts in less than month and I haven’t heard back about the scholarship. That is so scary!
In this period of waiting I question whether I’m standing on the edge of an amazing miracle or a huge disappointment. I have faith and I trust God with my life, but fear still manages to creep in. Doubts still manage to bombard me. It’s a constant fight. Fighting against my own thoughts and the devil’s words.
Nonetheless, there are some things that I am completely sure about. I am sure that the work God has begun in me, He will finish. I know that nothing is impossible for Him. I know that even when I am faithless, He is faithful because He cannot deny himself. I know that both my thoughts and the devil yield to the word of God. I know that God is with me and He is for me. All things are working together for my good.
So whether I get this scholarship or not, whether I go to dental school or not, whether I lose everything that I own today or not, I can still be content because my hope is not in these things. My hope is in Jesus Christ alone. And with Christ, I have a peace that surpasses all understanding and the fullness of joy.
So do I get scared? Yes. Do I doubt? For sure. Do I worry? Absolutely. Am I okay? I’m great because I know at the end of the day, God is still God. And that’s enough for me.